I’ve known I’m a bit of a goofball at heart since I was a much younger man, and I’ve known that being a goofball doesn’t get you much respect. So I’ve kept quiet much of the time, especially in mixed company, when I’m trying to fit in and be accepted. So I adopted the phrase “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt”.

My fear of speaking goes even deeper, to a episode in high school where I had a paralyzing anxiety attack and in college where I had daily panic attacks from a class that could call on you at any given day to give a speech in front of the entire class. I eventually stopped going and dropped the class. The thought alone haunted me throughout the day, I was just going to freeze up and have a breakdown, I just knew it.

About this time I was really questioning my future with art, all it ever seemed to do was get me depressed. So, I switched majors and was going to go into computer sciences. But I still couldn’t get my act together and eventually dropped out.

I did eventually graduate from SIU-E with a BA in Art. And I still have a love hate relationship with art sometimes, but I really do love it more now than in the past because of all the new friends I’ve met through it, instead of rivals like back in school. And it’s a form of communication that doesn’t give me anxiety attacks.